What I am not allowed to do in CoVT
by PandasWithBazookas
Summary: I am not allowed to call D'Ablo Santa Claus and attack him because I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas.
1. Vlad, the Supreme Ruler of the World

**Hi guys I wrote this on a sugar high while I was bored. I'm sorry for not updating my other stories! I keep on getting distacted by plotbunnies. ****Evil bunnies.**

**So well anywho there is minor twilight bashing and slight mentions if Percy Jackson in this chapter and yes I know the characters are OOC I did it on purpose. This chapter takes place in the second book where Vikas just told Vlad about the Pravus prophecy. **

"I'm not the Pravus," Vlad shook his head, "Sure there might be someone in the future-"

Suddenly there was a flash of light and a girl appeared, frowning at Vlad in disapproval, "Well why wouldn't you want to be the Pravus? Don't be such a pessimist!"

My POV

Vlad looked at me in shock, "Who- who are you and how did you get here?" he demanded.

"I'm a fanfiction writer and I'm Pandas with bazookas," I smile, "and as for how I got here you can thank fanfiction."

Vlad shot me a confused look, "What's fanfiction?"

Five minutes of explaining fanfiction later…

Vlad looked at me in horror, "I'm gonna have nightmares for the rest of my life," he muttered.

"I'm not even halfway through!" I protest, "I didn't even start to explain about Mary-Sues!"

Vikas, finally opened his mouth to speak, "Ew it's a human,"

I scowl, "Actually I'm a demigod and ew it's your face."

"Wow that's original," Vikas says sarcastically.

"Wow sarcasm, that's original," I retort, and using my powers of fanfiction I transform Vikas into a fluffy bunny in a tutu.  
Vlad looks even more freaked now, and after laughing like a maniac for about five minutes I remember why I'm here, so I walk up to Vlad a slap him.

"What was that for?" he asks, "Are you bi-polar or something?"

"Or something," I answer, "Now shut up and listen because even if they say the Pravus is invincibe its gonna be pretty hard to be invincible if my army of pandas with bazookas attack you and disinergrate you into ashes."

"Wait, pandas with bazookas? That doesn't even make sense," Vlad frowns.

"Shut up and listen because enchiladas hate you!" I scream.

"What?"

Taking a deep breath I focus back onto my topics.

"Vlad were you dropped on your head when you were born? How can you not want to be the Pravus?" I ask.

"But-but, I don't want to be evil," Vlad complains.

"Vlad you don't have to be evil," I tell him, "You could just be the un-evil supreme ruler of the world. I mean I thought you were cool until you said you didn't want to be the Pravus, refusing to be the Pravus is the same as refusing to be the supreme dictator of the world and that's stupid. I mean you could ban school and homework, make all your enemies your slave, and stop Eddie from stalking you and prove to the world vampires don't sparkle," I say excitedly, "You can do whatever you want as supreme ruler of the world."

Vlad nods his head "Well if you put it that way…"

Five minutes later…

Vlad is sitting on a throne of skulls and yelling at random people to do what he says, all his enemies are locked up in a dungeon and I am now currently moping in the corner because Vlad stole my dream job, while I plan on ways to overthrow Vlad and become supreme ruler of the world.

Otis Otis looks at Vlad in shock, "Vlad, I thought you didn't want to be evil!"

"True, but then I met this fanfiction writer and-"

"You know about fanfiction?" Otis asks in surprise.

"Yeah, I'm still about confused but-"

"Oh well you see fanfiction is-"

"Nooo!" Vlad screamed runnning away, "No more fanfiction nightmares!"

Okay, maybe I should've planned this out a little bit better...

**And that is why I should not persuade Vlad that being supreme ruler of the world is good.**

**Vlad:you made me so evil...**

**Me:haha yeah I know**

**So review and if you have any suggestions for any other stuff I should do feel free to tell me! P.S Enchiladas!**


	2. And May the Sporks be With You

**Oh wow I got 8 reviews for my first chapter. This chapter has twilight bashing so twilight fans I'm sorry. **

**Darn it forgot the disclaimer for the last chapter.**

**Vlad:Haha**

**Me:so this disclaimer counts for both chapters.**

**Disclaimer:Holy mother of sporks I don't own the Chronicles of Vladimir Tod!**

**Vlad:What's with all this talk about sporks?**

**Me: I don't know I like sporks.**

I had recently joined a club called kill that annoying vampire society. I was excited, I mean any club that supported the death of Edward Cullen I supported whole heartedly. Of course I invited Vlad to join, he hated that fairy boy too, but right now he was busy and said he'll be late but he'll come soon. Unfortunately for now, the only people in the club were D'Ablo and Em and I.

"What's a human doing here?" Em asked wrinkling her nose.

"I'm a demigod!" I shout angrily, "and I wanna join this club thingy!"

D'Ablo raises an eyebrow, "This club thingy?" he asks disdainfully, "It's a paying job!"

"Cool! How much do I get paid!" I ask excitedly.

"You don't get paid," Em sniffed.

"That's no fair!" I protest, "I wanna get paid! You do know Eris the goddess of chaos is my Olympian parent? If she could start a war with a freaking apple, how much trouble do you think her daughter can cause?" I add threateningly.

D'Ablo gulps and quickly regains him composure, "You're payment is us not killing you!" he roars.

"Hmmm I don't know," I say, "That seems a little cheap doesn't it?"

D'Ablo facepalms and Em groans.

"Here play with this you annoying child," she says tossing me a roll of bubble wrap.

"Yay bubble wrap!" I cry, "But I still want my money," I add.

D'Ablo clears his throat, "We are here as the society of kill that annoying vampire, our main goal is to kill Vladimir Tod-"

"Wait, what? I thought we were gonna kill Edward Cullen!" I complain.

"No! That's the society of kill that annoying fairy group!" D'Ablo shouts at me, "On second thought go join them and leave me alone so I can kill Vlad in peace!"

"What? Are you crazy?" I say between fits of laughter, "Vlad's invincible! You can't kill him! He's so invincible he can't even commit suicide!" Hmmm maybe I shouldn't have invited Vlad to this club.

Just then Vlad walks in, "Hey Pandas with Bazookas, are you sure this is the club?" he asks, looking up his face pales.

"KILL HIM!" D'Ablo and Em yells in unison lunging for him.

"Holy mother of God!" he screams.

"No poke him with sporks!" I yell, "It's funner than killing him!"

D'Ablo facepalms again for the second time today, "First of all you don't poke people you are trying to kill with sporks, second of all funner isn't a word."

"It is now," I retort.

Meanwhile Vlad was texting an SOS cry to October.

5 seconds later October responded with a text saying, "Awww thank you!"

Vlad looked at the message in shock, "What's that supposed to mean?" he yells in frustration, "Is she happy I'm going to die?"

"So wait, we're not going gonna poke him with sporks?" I ask.

"No we're not," Em says flatly.

"Kay then I'm leaving to kill Edward Cullen!" I say leaving.

"No! Don't leave me with them!" Vlad cries gesturing towards Em and D'Ablo.

"Bye!" I call.

Sometime later...

Vlad sat in the hospital bed glaring at me.

"You just had to leave me with those psychopaths didn't you?" he says angrily.

I nod happily, playing with my Kill That Annoying Fairy Society badge, "Look the club gave me a badge!" I say smiling happily.

Vlad facepalms as October walks in, "Vlad are you okay?" she inquire.

"Yeah, no thanks to you," Vlad growls.

"What do you mean?" October asks in confusion.

"I sent you an SOS message!" Vlad shouts in exasperation.

"Oh yeah, thanks Vlad, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Umm October, what do you think SOS stands for?" I ask her.

"Someone Special, why?

Vlad explodes, "That's not what SOS means!" he yells, "It means save our souls! Someone special is just stupid!"  
October glares at him, "KILL HIM!" she cries!

"No let's poke him with sporks!"

So the moral of this chapter is violence is never the answer. Poking somebody repeatedly with sporks until they explode with anger is!

**Yay for October and sporks! I personally think October is one of the best character in CoVT.**

**As for the SOS part it wasn't my idea I got inspired by my sister and "Holy mother of God!" is my friend's saying, not mine.**

**So any more ideas I should add to my story? Like I can't sell Vlad's location to crazy fangirls?**

**Vlad:you wouldn't.**

**Me:Yes I would! If you guys review enough I'll post that chapter up as soon as possible!**

**So review and send me suggestions of what I should do next in my story!**


	3. My Revenge on Santa Claus

**Hey guys I'm back! I noticed last chapter didn't have as much reviews so if it's because of the twilight bashing I'm sorry. There's no twilight bashing in this chapter though.**

**Vlad:awww**

**Me:Deal with it.**

**Disclaimer:Don't own CoVT**

"...And now you shall die Vladimir Tod!" D'Ablo announced.

Seeing Vlad's bored expression D'Ablo frowned.

"This is getting kind of old D'Ablo," Vlad said in a uninterested tone, "I mean you always try to kill me, and then you always fail and I walk away unharmed while everyone laughs at your failure , it's all getting really-"

"Boring!" I interrupted, "It was funny watching you miserably fail the first ten times but this is getting old now. I mean that time when you tried to turn Vlad powerless using garlic bread was just plain stupid."

D'Ablo looked stunned, "But- but I-" he stammered.

"You should try getting a hobby," Vlad recommended.

D'Ablo looked confused, as if he didn't know what a hobby was.

"Try to kill someone else for a change," I advised.

Vlad nodded in agreement, "I know this kid called Eddie, you can kill him if you want," he suggested.

"Look D'Ablo why don't you take a vacation? Go to Hawaii, or the Caribbean and when you come back you can try to kill Vlad again," I said soothingly.

D'Ablo nodded dejectedly.

"Look D'Ablo you had your fun but now it's time to return back to the North Pole. The elves are still waiting for you to come back" I told him gently.

"Wait what? The North Pole? Elves?" Vlad asked in confusion asked me in confusion, giving a wary look.

"You don't have to keep it a secret anymore," I continued, "I know your Santa Claus."

D'Ablo paled, while Vlad groaned in annoyance.

"Not again..." Vlad muttered, "Last time she accused her teacher of being a monster..."

"She was a monster!" I insisted, "Nobody can be that evil! And did you see the way she gave me the evil eye the whole time I had her? She's out to get me and my awesome demigod powers of supreme awesomeness!"

"That's it!" Vlad announced, "I'm calling an asylum for you right now, I can't let you kill any more of my brain cells."

"Have fun!" I called cheerfully, not worried at all, "99.9% of asylums already banned me because I was a bad influence for their patients."

"Fine I'll find the .1% that haven't banned you yet!" Vlad retorted.

"Good luck with that," I shrugged, "That asylum doesn't understand your language."

"I'll use a translator!" Vlad shouted angrily.

"It doesn't speak translator language either," I sais unfazed.

"Then what language does it speak?" Vlad demanded.

I smirked, "I'm very fluent in that language you know?"

"What's the language?" Vlad repeated.

"Gibberish," I replied smugly, "I'm trilingual, I speak sarcasm; my native language, gibberish, and English very well," I nodded.

Vlad facepalmed, "I hate you," he muttered.

"I know," I said flashing him a smile.

"How can you even think D'Ablo's Santa Claus?" Vlad demanded.

"Easy," I shrugged, "If you rearrange the words in Santa you get Satan which equals devil and D'Ablo means devil in Spanish so therefore D'Ablo's Santa."

Vlad stared at me in shock, "You know what? I'm not even going to bother with all of this nonsense!" he shook his head and walked away cursing angrily under his breath.

"No profanity!" I screamed. Then the anti profanity reindeer came and attacked Vlad with a taser. I laughed.

Meanwhile D'Ablo was muttering under his breath, angry that I ruined his secret identity.

"What about that other devil guy?" Vlad asked.

"Who? Oh Hades? He banned me from the underworld a while ago because I bothered him to much about what I wanted for Christmas," I said simply.

"Then where are you going to go to when you're dead?" he asked.

*cue evil thunder* "Who said I was ever going to die?" *cue evil laughter*

Vlad ran away screaming in horror after I said that.

Then I turned and glared at D'Ablo. "What's your problem?" I demanded.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas!" I yelled angrily.

"What was that?" D'Ablo asked.

"World domination," I said simply.

"No I want world domination!" D'Ablo whined.

"No!" I said as evil thunder and lightning dramatically appear out of nowhere, "I VILL BE THE SUPREME RULER OF ZE VORLD!" I exclaimed.

"What's with German accent?" D'Ablo asked.

"I don't know I like accents okay?"

D'Ablo nodded in understanding, "Who doesn't?"

"Accent haters?" I suggested.

"Those little fu-"

"No profanity!" screamed the anti profanity reindeer and attacked him with a taser until he went into unconsciousness.

"Umm well... I'm just going to go sell Vlad's location to his fangirls again!" I decided skipping off.

**Okay I know it's not my best and it's kind of late for all this Santa stuff but hey I DEFY LOGIC! Also it was a random idea that came to mind. Well actually not that random my friend drew a picture of Santa and I got inspired.**

**Vlad:You thought it was a short hobo**

**Me:Hey it was a good drawing! She's a great artist but hey he had a huge beard and bushy eyebrows I thought it was a hobo!**

**Vlad:sad just sad.**

**Also I need your help for a future fic I'm going to write, and it involves Vlad as a little kid. Yes I'll give you fangirls a moment to scream with excitement.**

**Of course as I was thinking I decided litttle Vlad needed a stuffed animal. Unfortunately I can't decide what animal and what to name it. I thought of every animal including a panda 'cause of my name (but I can't picture Vlad playing with a toy panda no matter how litttle he is can you?) Maybe a hippo or a bear or an elephant or something... But the TOY NEEDS A NAME! Anyone who has an idead I like the best will get a mention in my future story. If you guys wanna learn more about this fic I'm writing look onto my profile I have the summaries of future fics I'm planning on writing. It's called "Your Guide to Raising a Half Vampire Kid." Tell me in a review if you're interested 'cause if no ones wants to read it I'm probably not going to write it. **


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